#2

Share your Story #2

have struggled and continue to struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I kept this a secret from my family and from people that I love dearly for five years. I finally received help when I mentioned to my mother, my freshmen year, that I might have body dysmorphic disorder.

It began in the fifth grade when I noticed my body starting to naturally change. I began to cut back on eating and I started to count calories. The issue started small, I skipped a few snacks here and there, then it continued to grow, I would skip full meals, and then it became bigger when I would make goals for myself to not eat anything at all. I listened to the negative thoughts that constantly ran through my mind all day; you’re fat, you’re never going to be as skinny as her, you have had two items of food today… what is wrong with you, you can’t go out with your friends because they are going to think you’re hideous.

It came to the point where I would only eat an orange a day or if I was “lucky,” nothing. I was slowly killing myself from the inside out and no one could see it. My tendencies built on top of each other. I would go to the bathroom several times during dinners with family and friends to make myself throw up.

I continued this pattern for several years until I began to have stomach pains so severe that I needed to see a doctor.  My eating disorder controlled my life, my relationships, and my health. I remember being so sad and not knowing why. It got to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. I would sit on the floor of my shower crying, so no one would hear me. I was ashamed of my body and myself, at that moment, I prayed to God to help me out of the deep dark hole that I was in.

And that’s when I knew I had to tell someone that I was harming myself, but I was scared. I started out small, I believed that a self-help book would do the trick, and within a short amount of time I would be better. Little did I know that I would end up going to an eating disorder specialist once a week that came in town from New Orleans for two years. During this time, I put in so much hard work into healing my mind and working my way to freedom. I was challenged to stick to a meal plan that a nutritionist gave me, understand my feelings, and tell my best friend about the serious mental illness that I was fighting.

I was so scared to tell my best friend because I didn’t want her to think I was messed up or a crazy person. I was scared that she wouldn’t love me the same, I was scared that I was going to burden her, but to this day and from the very beginning she has been by my side and has challenged me to grow and has encouraged me to love myself even when I couldn’t. With her positive reaction, I decided to tell other people in my life that I trusted.

Last year a local activist, who focuses on promoting body positivity, came to speak at my school, I felt as though God calling on me to share my story… I remember feeling confident in telling her, as I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but whenever I got into her office, I could barely get the words out to admit it.

As she held my hand, she asked me if I was ashamed that I had an eating disorder and as much as I wanted to say no, I nodded my head yes. I felt that I was disobeying God for hurting and not loving myself. She explained to me that it was nothing to be ashamed of and this illness is something that has molded and transformed me into the person that I am today

I want all of you to know that anything you are struggling with is nothing to be ashamed of. It is okay and important to confide in others around you. I believe that God wants us to be honest and help each other because it is what brings us closer to him.

We all have our own issues and it’s important that as individuals, we do not judge ourselves and most importantly, we not judge each other in vulnerable moments. We weren’t meant to live this life alone.

This is my story, and I cannot describe how thankful I am for this journey.  I am not sharing my story wanting pity, but to simply explain that we all have our own stories and pain and I encourage you to lean on your friends, your family, and whatever community you may be in, because if I hadn’t, I know I wouldn’t be able to share my story now, I wouldn’t have been able to take this huge step towards freedom.

-Skylar Yegge