#8
Share your Story #8
The other day I saw an Instagram post on body neutrality in comparison to body positivity. I thought this perspective was interesting because body positivity has been a huge movement on social media recently. To me, the idea of body neutrality seemed shocking and new. In life there is such an emphasis on good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, positive vs. negative. It was strange to think about taking a neutral stance on something, especially body image.
Body positivity emphasizes loving your body as it is and being proud to be in your own skin. Body neutrality, however, aims to think about what your body can do rather than how it looks. So instead of saying “I love my legs” a body-neutral statement would be along the lines of, “my legs are strong and they carry me to incredible places.” I had never thought of it before, but the Instagram post I saw, mentioned that body positivity is great, but it also can be harmful, in the sense that not everyone is going to feel great about their body all the time and body positivity primarily focuses on appearance rather than capability.
For the majority of my life, I was rarely aware of my body, in terms of aesthetics. The first moment I was really made aware of my figure was in middle school. I played a lot of sports and was a very active kid. I also ate like a full-time athlete, often having second dinners, multiple plates of food, and eating even after I was full. However, given my genetics and level of activity, I remained fit and what would be perceived as skinny. In the locker room at school, I remember one of my friends would always comment on my abs. Day in and day out, she would always tell me I had a six pack. Unfortunately, this unwanted positive attention, even from a friend, messed with my head.
Her comments made me feel insecure rather than confident. I felt like I needed to keep my abs, to keep receiving compliments. From that point on, I was always concerned if my abs looked good and if I had a six pack. Once I hit puberty, went to college, and stopped playing sports, my body changed. I was still of average build, but I would always worry about how I looked or question if I was bigger. My mind wasn’t occupied with losing weight to look good, but rather I became afraid of gaining weight, especially in my stomach.
During high school and college, I discovered a love for cooking. I love making food. I make all of the meals for my family. I started making my lunch for school early on in high school, and I would wake up early to make a stir fry, pasta, or a salad for lunch. Cooking helped me get over my fear of gaining weight, since I was in control over what I was putting in my body. I was able to maintain a healthy balance of eating well and exercising. I was at a healthy weight, healthy eating, and overall healthy mindset.
Fast forward to senior year in college, I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on an Adderall prescription during my senior spring. I was trying to wrap up school work, write my thesis, and manage a new prescription that I didn’t really know if I fully wanted to take. I knew going into my diagnosis that, while I had a positive body image, being prescribed a drug that reduces hunger could become harmful to anyone. However, I had to take it to do my school work at my best.
Being on Adderall is really hard to describe. It’s not as simple as I was never that hungry on it, but constantly thinking about eating, food preparation, and planning meals actually became aversive. I was actively repulsed by my favorite hobby, cooking and food preparation.
After that spring semester I had lost 10 pounds, and I was back to the same weight that I was in high school, and honestly I was scared by how much I liked being thinner. However, with that weight loss, I lost a lot of muscle and I lost my ability to be healthy and stay healthy all the time. I was weak. Sometimes standing up would make me dizzy, and I would have to skip working out because I didn’t feel healthy enough, which made me annoyed. I hated not feeling strong enough to work out. Running has always been, and always will be a display of what my body can do, and to be honest, I love the runner’s high. If I don’t feel healthy enough to run, I feel like shit. After losing that much weight, I felt weak and helpless. I wanted to eat but I was repulsed by the thought of putting food in my body. I’d force myself to eat, but I also found I was more unhealthy with my food choices. My mindset at the time was any calories are better than no calories, so I’d eat chips, ramen, and ice cream, which didn’t make me feel good either.
I feel like an idiot for complaining about issues like losing too much weight, but I think even monitoring involuntary weight loss is exhausting and draining. Since the beginning of my Adderall usage, I have transitioned from a body positive mindset to a body neutral one. I used to care a lot about how fit I looked. I didn’t want to gain weight, and I wanted to have a toned stomach. After being somewhat hindered by weight loss due to my prescription, I now prioritize what my body can do and how I feel rather than how I look.
The best thing though, is that when I went off my medication, my hunger and love for cooking quickly returned. Since graduation, I have been better prepared for when I take my Adderall. I exercise when I can and I am actively trying to rebuild muscle. I try to walk or run everyday I feel good. If I take my Adderall, I prepare meals, snacks, and even water intake a head of time.
I think what I’m trying to say with this story is, society emphasizes a certain standard of beauty which is centered on appearance. Whether body positive or negative, we’ve been taught to focus on how our body looks rather than what our bodies are capable of, and I think body neutrality finally allows for an important distinction to be aware of.
Your body may look great and the societal definition of skinny, but you may feel like shit. Additionally, your body might not look like the over edited, unachievable standard of female beauty, but as long as you are healthy and feel good about yourself, then you do you! I think we all need to focus more on feeling good and staying active rather than looking perfect all the time because achieving perfection is total bullshit.
If you find yourself being critical of yourself, try to remember what you are capable of: aim to be strong, healthy, and active, rather than skinny, thin, and physically weak. When you find yourself being critical be thankful for your health. Do something to appreciate you body. Go on a walk, run, or hike just because you can. Also, be gentle with your body and know when you need rest. As much as I love the body positivity movement, I really feel like when I took on a more neutral stance towards body image and focused on what I can do rather than what I look like, I was able to create a healthier mindset for myself.
-Anonymous