#7

Share your Story #7

My story. Where to begin. Let’s start at the very beginning, when I was a little 8 year old girl consumed with playdates and fascinated with my new found love: swimming. I still have memories of carpooling with my best friend, giggling in the back seat, swimming for 2 hours, and then looking forward to do it all over again the next day. I loved swimming.

Fast forward 10 years. An all conference athlete, committed to swim at my dream school, and a social butterfly with way too many friends. I never second guessed swimming. I never thought about my diet. I never questioned my body. I was confident, I was me.

All the while, my eating disorder (ED) was inside me, gently waiting for the perfect time to surface and take control. However, I managed to maintain the upper hand. I went to school, I swam, I partied, I had friends. ED did not control me, until I lost control of myself.

Fast forward to October of my freshman year. I lost two family members within a month. Two genuine, caring, and loving people. My heart hurt and my grief was strong, but I held it back. I put the sad and negative energy elsewhere. I gave the energy to ED. I pushed through and made it to winter break. I was home, happy, and healthy. Surrounded by family and friends, ED was nowhere to be seen. I was me again.

And then bam. It’s New Years. I am back at school for our training trip, and ED welcomed me back with open arms. And I accepted them. From that point on I gave ED access to my swim practices, my lift sessions, my meals, and even that extra Sunday workout. I even gave him my emotions; the always smiling happy girl I once knew, was nowhere to be found.

When it came time for championships, I was dreading it. Actually, ED was dreading it. ED could not understand how a 30 minute warmup and a 1 minute race was enough exercise for the day. ED could not understand why an athlete needed to eat more to perform their best. ED was upset and I was taking the heat from it. I got dead last in 3 out of 3 races. The girl who once thrived at championship meets, full of energy and positive nerves, let something else control her performance. This was not the athlete I knew, this was not the me I knew, and this was definitely not the person I wanted to be.

When I was 8 I loved swimming. 11 years later, I was scared of it. Championships was the first reality check for me, I knew something was wrong. I went to my coach, warned him I was going to cry, and informed him that I could no longer be apart of this amazing team because it was not healthy for me and I wanted to take care of myself.

ED held my hand in that meeting and walked me out of the office. For months I was able to still hold onto my own sense of control, but after quitting swimming, ED came in full swing. For the next 3 months, I was on a strict schedule, following all of EDs rules. I shut out my friends, my family, and kept everything to myself. I was alone but I chose to be. I was scared but ED reassured me. I asked for help, but I didn’t listen to the advice.

I would get texts from my best friends checking in because they knew something was up. I would get calls from my parents with them questioning me to make sure I was okay. I would get compliments on how great I looked.

Let me say that again. I would get compliments on how great I looked. My eating disorder thrived off of the compliments. But this did not last long. I came home from my freshman year and had a support system waiting to give me the reality check of a lifetime.

I saw the look of fear on my moms face when she picked me up. I held my friend as she cried in my arms asking what she could’ve done. And most importantly, I felt the old me slowly come back, she was damaged and she was scared, but she was strong.

That summer was full of recovery. Therapists, nutritionists, doctor visits. I slowly recovered. I began to see the girl I used to be. I began to eat my absolute favorite foods. I began to laugh and be present in the moment.

Recovery is not easy though. For every up, there were probably 10 down moments. I had to challenge myself to not stick to a plan. I had to feel how uncomfortable I felt after eating more. I had to push myself to eat the fear foods. I had to limit my exercise. I had to put myself through all of this because I wanted to recover. I wanted to be the daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend I used to be.

A year and a half later I can only hear a little whisper of ED every now and then, which I always ignore. I am the happy version of me who I was missing for months. I am the girl who has found a balance between food and exercise. I have discovered a passion for food: creating new recipes, going out for dinner, and trying something new. I am my own athlete now, doing the exercises I love and I want to do.

I am an ED warrior.

I am a lucky one. ED was only a small part of my life. But for many, this is not the case. I hope my story can help people who are struggling, who fear they are struggling, or think a person they love needs help. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are bigger than ED.

-Han