#5
Share your Story #5
This semester, my professor assigned the reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brene Brown. In her book, Brown discusses how to live your life wholeheartedly. Brown explains the importance of courage and the importance of being vulnerable. Having courage, according to Brown, means telling your story from your heart. To open up to someone and to tell your story makes us vulnerable. As a society, we often shut down when we feel vulnerable because we are scared someone will judge us or our story. However, vulnerability requires strength and courage, and when you lean into vulnerability, I believe beautiful connections can be made. This is why I am telling my story. I hope that by being vulnerable, it encourages others to do so as well. Your courageousness will ultimately touch one persons life, and let people know that they are not alone
When I was a freshman in highschool, my dad cheated on my mother. My dad was my best friend, and when news came out that he was having an affair, I felt betrayed. I became numb to my feelings and needed to escape before my dad would repair his relationship with my mom and move back in. My escape was France. I applied to a program (thanks to my beautiful friend Mimi) and was off living with a host family at the age of 16. I finally felt free and happy again. When I got back, I hadn’t dealt with my dad’s affair mentally or emotionally, but I wanted to rebuild our relationship. During my last year of high school, our relationship was back on track. However, I would never expect to see how my dad’s actions would impact my time in college.
When I got to college, I noticed how my dad’s affair affected the way I viewed men. I decided to go to therapy to work through my dad’s affair and change my perspective. While I was going through this intense therapy during my freshman year, I met John. John was the first guy I met since my mindset changed. I felt as though I had worked through all my baggage, and I was ready to take on my first relationship. John and I immediately clicked. I was excited and happy to have found someone, however, that excitement/happiness made me overlook the problems that John had.
John abused drugs throughout our relationship. There was a pattern of drug use, fighting, then forgiveness. The cycle would repeat over and over again for about three months. At the time, I thought this was normal. Everyone fought with their boyfriend about this stuff in college, right? The relationship grew toxic over time, and I completely lost who I was. I no longer stood up for myself and I let John use my vulnerabilities against me. We finally broke up, but I kept going back. He was my first love, and I couldn’t let him go.
During this time, I grew extremely depressed. I had never lost a love and did not know how to handle myself. I continued to go back to John because he knew how to pull me back in. I couldn’t break the cycle and my depression was getting worse. I had low self-esteem, I felt worthless and I no longer knew who I was. I would cry every day and I was not able to see the way out. I was so overwhelmed that I turned to alcohol to numb my feelings. My depression got to the point where I was engaging in behaviors I never thought I would have done.
It took one day where I completely broke down to decide that I needed help. I went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed antidepressants. I tried a prescription for a few weeks, but ultimately decided that I wanted to work through my depression holistically. As summer was approaching and all my friends were getting internships, I decided to focus on getting better. I moved to England where my Aunt lives, and continued therapy. I went on a yoga retreat and spent time with people who supported me. As summer was coming to an end, I felt lighter, but there was still a dark cloud looming over me: I would have to go back to DC where my ex was.
When I got back to DC, I had worked through my depression, however, a new feeling arose: anxiety. I always felt anxious, especially with my ex still in school and living across the street from me. My anxiety was uncontrollable, so I decided to go back to therapy.
I will never forget when my new therapist asked me, “Have you ever heard of emotional abuse?” I am a psychology major, so yes, of course I had heard of emotional abuse. And then it clicked. Yes, I was in a relationship where I let that happen to me. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe I let myself stay in a relationship like that.
Instead of beating myself up for allowing someone to treat me terribly, I learned to not judge myself for staying with John. I reframed my idea of love and learned that I am worthy of a love that is compassionate and kind. I learned to set new standards for myself, and that it was okay to set boundaries with others when someone treated me negatively. I also rebuilt my relationship with myself, which perhaps was the hardest part because I felt so lost. I engaged in activities that brought me joy- I journaled, I practiced yoga, I meditated, and I made sure to surround myself with people who brought positive energy into my life.
Today, I can say that I am extremely happy with where I am in my journey. When I was at my lowest point, I was unable to see a way out. But I learned that leaning into my vulnerability and talking to people about my depression only helped me. If you are going through a hard time, remember that you are going through it. You will come out of it. The biggest lesson I have learned thus far is to surround yourself with people that add value to your life, and be courageous and vulnerable to share your story with those people.
-Charlotte