#4

Share your Story #4

I have suffered from anxiety since I was around ten years old. It used to manifest in different ways. I would get stomach pains that would keep me from school. I would cry every day. I wouldn’t sleep. I had an emotionally abusive adult-figure in my life that would reaffirm my worst fears about myself. He would tell me I was disappointing, a failure, and disgusting. All the thoughts that consumed my head everyday were being said straight to my face. This continued into my late teens, causing my sense of self-worth and love for myself to disappear.

I entered my first serious relationship at a pretty young age. It is hard to describe what it is like being in a relationship while having constant body-consuming anxiety. I always felt threatened by others and never felt good enough for him. I came up with conspiracy theories that I constantly repeated in my head. I questioned his love for me and needed reaffirmation multiple times a day. Once he started lying to me, my trust was shattered. He always had an explanation, which made me believe I was “just being crazy”. This would turn into screaming fits that would leave me sobbing. But then he would tell me he loved me, so that made it okay…right?

The cycle of pain and broken-heartedness and then being told that it was from a place of love defined what “love” was to me. After this relationship ended, I felt lost. I craved that feeling that “love” gave me. I entered into different relationships with the same types of people: people who hurt me. Through each relationship my sense of self and self-worth grew smaller and smaller. I was losing myself.

I entered a relationship that I would define as my “bottoming out moment.” He perfectly fit my criteria of someone that would hurt me. He would lie to me, manipulate me, and blame all of his actions on me. I felt insane. I accepted every apology, believing that next time it would be different and that he would change. I knew that he was treating me horribly but I thought it was my fault. I spent every day crying. I acted in ways that weren’t me. Why wasn’t I good enough? I hated myself. I had lost myself.

While this might seem like a sob story about some failed relationships, I am grateful for every single one. After these experiences, I was forced to do some self-reflecting. This caused me to really dig deep into myself and recognize the part that I equally played in entering these types of relationships. I realized that I had to stop relying on others for validation and trying to find happiness in other people. I learned that the pain was not useless. It taught me that no matter how lost I might feel, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It taught me to not accept less than I deserve. It taught me that someone else’s words do not define me. It taught me how to change from feeling broken and helpless to growing and healing. It taught me that I am powerful and worthy of happiness. Slowly but surely, I am learning to love myself again.

-Anonymous